the dentist

I just want to preface this post by saying I am NOT a junkie.  Dave read this and was a little worried I seemed a little crazy.  This post is just an attempt to give my dentist friends an idea of what it is like from the other side of the dissecting forceps.

 I can smell the mask.  It reminds me of rubber cement.  I must look ridiculous but soon I won't care about that.  Here it comes, in a few minutes I will no longer be here.  I can't wait....Should I breathe deeper?  Bring it on...Ok, gross I feel sick.  I know that will go away.  I hope I just fall asleep.  Argh, the dentist.  Why do I ever eat candy?  Goodbye yellow light.  Good bye cowboy wallpaper border.  I'm closing my eyes now.

Background music softly playing...
Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash...you tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
Cause what you don't understand is...


Dentist - "How do you feel about a rubber dam?"
Me - "Love em...".  The less firmly planted in reality I can be, and the less I have to concentrate on bothersome tasks like caring where my tongue is and not tasting stuff, the better.
Dentist - "How about a mouth prop?"
Me - "Yes please, I will probably fall asleep".  I explain this because I don't want the good doctor to take my general apathy to his conversation as over sedation, I am going to happily ease myself into a nitrous oxide induced nap.  Why?  I'm sitting down for more than five minutes, and I don't want to be around to hear what is going on in my mouth.  For me, that means sleep.  But don't turn down the gas because I am tired.  That just means it's working.

I saw the sign!  And it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign.  Life is demanding, without understanding.  I saw the sign!  And it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign.  No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong.   But where do you belong?

Dentist...Blah blah blah "...Frightmares..."
Overly excited dental assistant - "I'm going this year!"
Dentist...Blah blah blah"...an old Vincent Price movie"
Teenage dental assistant "Who is that?"
Dentist..."Are you old enough to remember Vincent Price, Melissa?"
Me "ehhhhsssshhh" while nodding.  No more questions please.  I am checking out.  If I close my eyes tighter will he know to stop talking to me?  I hope he doesn't have to use the slow drill.  That vibration makes me crazy...


Uptown, girl...You know I can't afford to buy her pearls, but maybe someday when my ship comes in, She'll understand the kind of guy I've been...and then I'll win.


Ignorant dental technician - "What IS the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek?"
Nerdy dentist - "Ha ha ha ha...That is a loaded question...blah blah blah...character development...blah blah blee... moral dilemna...blah blah blah...good verses evil...blah blah blah...the force....blah blah blah...really makes you think!".

Ain't Nobody gonna break a my stride...Nobody gonna slow me down.  Oh no!  I got to keep on moving!


Dentist, "Melissa, we are putting you on oxygen now.  We're all done!".
Me, calmly "Awww Kay" but inside screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Anything but oxygen!   I'll stay in this chair all day!  It was just getting good"!  If I breath deep I can get the last few drops of good stuff out of the tubing!  Nope, that's just waking me up.  Hello yellow light, hello cowboy wallpaper border.  Hello giant headache.

Now my favorite part, trying to stop at the reception desk without crashing into it.  Should I be driving yet?  I "smile", if you can call it that, while the receptionist makes small talk and I pay my bill.  Where is my Chapstick?  I would murder someone for some Burt's Bees right about now.  The receptionist asks if I would like to schedule my next check up now, but that's the last thing I want to think about so I tell her I'll call later.  I can't wait to get home for Dave to make fun me, for some Ibuprofen and some dinner through a straw.  Next time I get a babysitter I better be doing something fun.